How to Grow in Relationship: For Personal Development Junkies Who Are Afraid of Outgrowing Their Partner
…
We’ve all heard the statement, you can’t love someone else until you love yourself.
Although this can be true at times, it can also paint the picture that an individual needs to be nearly perfect and healed before they can find a loving partnership.
There is so much nuance in relationships so it’s unfair to give blanket advice. However, in my experience, one does not need to fully and completely love themself alone before getting into a healthy relationship, BUT both individuals who come together do need to be on the path to growth. By actively working to grow in your relationship with yourself and with your partner, you can create a bond to last a lifetime.
But that is not easy to do. I understand why there are so many struggling relationships and life-changing breakups.
Somehow, my husband and I learned this dance together, choosing to better ourselves, while committing to grow as a couple.
This article will unpack the important pillars of building a successful relationship from zero to healthily in love.
I do not have decades of marriage experience and I am not claiming to be an expert on relationships. All I can share is how I went from someone who did not love herself, gave off desperate energy, and repelled all men who were interested in more than a one-night stand… to someone deeply in love with myself and my husband.
I also witnessed my husband’s growth over the years from someone who often expressed self-hatred, depression, and distaste for life… to a confident, resilient, and inspired man who also cares for me more deeply now than ever before.
Personal Development in Action
The perfect storm that took place to introduce my husband and I to each other the exact moments in our individual lives when we started to explore personal development is indescribable.
I had just accepted my first “real adult” job and began exploring a life beyond college partying and running from myself. I was new to the idea of self-talk and how the way you speak to yourself can make a real impact on the way others perceive you.
I started journaling more and practiced affirmations to build my confidence. It was all very beginning-level personal development work but I was excited about it and the second I started to feel content with myself, as an individual, I was blessed with the opportunity to try this growth thing in relationship.
I was FAR from healed, peaceful, or even happy with who I was, but I was on the path and that brought me the exact opportunities I needed.
When I got into relationship, I quickly noticed the destructive behaviors my partner displayed, but rather than judging or cutting ties, I chose to listen with compassion and lead by example.
Rather than pushing the new personal development books I was devouring onto my partner, I chose to respond to all his unhealthy behavior in a way that aligned with the person I wanted to be.
Old me would’ve yelled, tried to one-up him, or shamed his behaviors. Somehow I had learned enough to choose to respond with love — at least a lot of the time.
The more I worked on myself, the more I was able to show up as a person I respected in all situations.
The ego loves to use personal growth to show off and prove to everyone that you’re the best, but I worked to show my growth through loving action rather than yelling, “Look at me, so calm, so responsible, while you’re throwing a tantrum and acting ridiculous.”
Inside, I fought those urges and it helped me learn a lot. By choosing to show up as a woman that I could be proud of, my partner began to shift, realizing that a lot of his coping habits were not making him feel better.
The way I had gradually changed my actions and behavior was making me feel better and I didn’t have to boast about that, he could just feel it. It inspired him to grow his relationship with himself and I was able to compassionately hold the space for him to do that and to mess up sometimes without it being a big deal.
Choosing to grow your relationship with yourself is STEP 1 in growing as a couple.
Communicate Effectively
Since you’re actively working on yourself as an individual, change is inevitable.
Those who are committed to growth will very likely become entirely new humans in short periods of time, no longer relating to people who stay the same.
So often I hear of couples breaking up because someone changed… or “I don’t even know them anymore”… or “They are not the person I married”…
Change is a good thing! The reason it causes breakups is because there isn’t open communication along the way.
If you choose to keep your head down and grow on your own, you will leave your partner in the dust. BUT if you express your new learnings, share your new joy, and open up with deep conversations unpacking the old beliefs you’ve shattered, you are cultivating a richer relationship where you understand each other even more deeply.
My favorite thing about my husband and I has always been our conversations. I believe that it’s the reason why we were able to grow together the past few years even during massive life transitions.
There are never any surprises because my partner is along the journey with me, fully in the loop when I have a breakdown or breakthrough.
If you struggle with communication, I recommend scheduling at least 2 nights a week for active presence and connection.
This does not mean going out on a date somewhere 2 nights a week. I actually think going out often does not create a great environment for meaningful conversations because there are so many distractions – menus to look over, waiter interrupting, people watching to turn your attention off yourself, etc.
Plan a date at home. It could be cooking and eating dinner together, making coffee and sitting out on your porch, or just sitting on the couch with a glass of wine.
These moments encourage connection and cultivate a safe space for expansive conversations.
Rules for at-home dates with the goal of deep conversation:
No phone or media
Do / make something you both enjoy
Be clear about expectations to avoid disappointment — no one is a mind reader! (for ex: “Can we spend at least from 6-8pm cooking, cleaning up, and then sitting and talking at the table together?”
Making these rules clear beforehand can save you from the fights that come when there is a lack of communication.
If all you want is a night of connection and the other person is watching their phone with their headphones in during the meal, that can feel like a rejection. But if your partner doesn’t know what you want, they aren’t rejecting you, you just need to express your needs to them.
Cultivate Independence
Unconditional love means loving someone completely for the human they are, not controlling them with what to wear, do, and say.
If your partner expresses a change they want to make that you don’t like, listen first, digest the information without reacting, and ultimately allow your partner to be an individual.
I always say, “You do what you want.” If you want to make a career change, do it. If you want to wear something that I think is out of dress code, do it.
It’s not your job to control everyone’s perception of you and your partner. Express what you prefer but remind them that they can do whatever they want and you love and support them always.
Resentment builds when someone feels bossed around or stifled in their autonomy. That’s not good for growing together.
Think about it, is it really that important to you what someone else wears? If it is and you honestly worry about the comments or looks you will get from others, you have more work to do personally.
Rather than controlling your partner, take it as a sign to release and schedule more personal development work with yourself. Therapy, journaling, walks in nature alone… All of that will help you feel confident within yourself enough to not feel threatened by someone else’s life choices.
Avoid Contempt Like the Plague
According to The Gottman Institute, the #1 predictor of a failed relationship is when the couple shows signs of contempt towards each other.
We’ve all seen couples who do this, but it is a lot more serious than we’ve normalized.
If you are going to speak poorly about your partner in front of others — you mock or ridicule them, you show signs of disrespect by rolling your eyes when they speak or you dismiss their point of view with a scoff or demeaning laugh, you are single-handedly putting your relationship in the danger zone.
It doesn’t matter if you’re joking or just having fun, if your method includes putting down the person you love most, you are not prioritizing your partnership.
When we get in front of a group, it’s natural to want to stand out and be the most fun, the best looking, the most successful… But your #1 goal should be that you and your partner are on top of the world together. It’s common to hurt the people closest to us, but this common behavior is catastrophic to your relationship.
If you’re someone who does this, it’s so important to check in with yourself and with your partner.
Your relationship should be more of a priority than the way your extended family, friends, or community views you. Stand true in who you are and allow your partner to do the same, always coming from genuine care and love whether they are in the room or not.
If you feel embarrassed by your partner’s behavior in front of others, it’s best to support them publicly and then discuss it once you’re alone so you can move forward in a way you both feel respected and supported by.
Part of growing together is having these difficult conversations with each other privately so no one feels shamed in public.
These are the moments when you can grow the most because noticing when your partner’s behavior triggers you and choosing not to react in the moment gives you the time and space to get to the root of your feelings. Understand where this discomfort comes from and have a meaningful conversation that allows you and your partner to get to know each other better, strengthening your bond.
Careful What You Tell Your Friends
Knowing this about contempt leads perfectly into being careful what you tell your friends and family.
If you vent about your relationship, you are painting a one-sided, unflattering picture of your partner to the people who care about you most.
This will make it extremely difficult for your partner to build genuine relationships with the people you care about.
This disconnection will put a strain on your relationship.
Of course, if you’re struggling and you need support, talk to your friends and family. But there are so many situations that you know you and your partner are fully capable of working through on your own and will come out the other side more in love and connected.
When you vent, your friends usually don’t hear about the beautiful conversations you have to work through challenges because oftentimes those moments are deeply personal. Working through challenges as a couple is extremely healthy and supports your growth together.
When you’re in the thick of it, take the following steps before thinking about running to your friends and family:
1.Pull out your journal and write everything you’re upset about on paper. Talk yourself through it and respond to yourself the way you know your best friend would.
2. If you still feel emotional, go on a long walk with a podcast or walking meditation to clear your mind.
3. When you get home, you’ll likely feel less charged, but if you still want to call a friend, get on your yoga mat and do a Yin class to deeply stretch and release emotional blocks in the body.
4. Then lay with your feet up a wall while reading a good book to get lost in another experience for a bit, giving yourself a mental break from the loop you’ve been running about everything you still want to say to your partner.
5. If you are deeply struggling after ALL of that… then maybe think about calling a friend or therapist.
But trust me, the more you can work through on your own, especially if you know you are not going to leave the relationship, the better.
Share Your Dreams
A huge part of growing in relationship is having the same vision for your future together.
Talking about your future with optimism and excitement is a beautiful way to connect and guide your actions, making sure everything you do on a daily basis is leading you in the direction of your desired future.
My husband and I have been having these talks since day one, describing in detail what we intend to accomplish and what our life will look like in one year, 3 years, 10 years, 80 years. It’s such a fun practice that helps you both align your visions.
To grow in relationship, you both need to be headed in the same direction. If you think in 5 years you’ll have 2 children, a dog, and own a home next door to your parents, but your partner plans to move to a new country, start a new business, and never have kids or pets… it’s not going to work. No one should sacrifice their dream life for another person’s when there are billions of people in the world, many of who have the exact same future vision as you.
But if you have the same vision and you talk about it often with enthusiasm, you are fast-tracking your growth to achieve that dream life even faster than you imagine.
My husband and I talk about our future kids, by name as if they are already living beings. We have shared hobbies and lifestyle habits. We describe in detail our homes we will own, the trips we will go on, and the way we will support each other in achieving professional success.
It’s fun and reassuring to know that we are completely on the same page and we are both doing our best to bring us towards our shared goal.
Attract Your Perfect Match
You do not need to be completely whole before getting into a relationship but you do need to be on the path.
If you're struggling with getting into a healthy relationship or you feel disconnected within one, go inwards.
Your happiest life is within you. Once you begin living as the person that you are completely happy with, you will radiate a different frequency. A frequency that will attract those who are meant for your highest good and repel those who are not aligned.
For those who are committed to living a life of continuous growth, you do not have to fear outgrowing your partner. By forming mini rituals and norms that you both lean on, you can grow together and have love, success, and a full life.
To hear more of the personal development and wellness practices that help me thrive in relationship with myself, my husband, and the world around me join our Sunday SELF - C.A.R.E. newsletter.
I can't wait to connect with you in your inbox 🤍
You may also like…
