Create Connections In Your 20s: How to Strengthen Your Relationships and Build Community When All Your Friends Went Separate Ways
For many, your 20s aren’t exactly the thriving girl party you visualized when you were younger and couldn’t wait to move out of your parent’s house.
When you’re thrown into the real world and all responsibilities are on you, it’s normal to feel disappointed and alone. On social media you see other women laughing and traveling with their huge group of friends, but your reality doesn’t look like that.
When you graduate high school or college you experience a huge period of change and transition. All your friends go their separate ways.
You might find yourself in a new city, working full time taking care of everything. But on the weekends you finally have a moment to realize you haven't had any personal connection with anyone all week. Now you’re free for two days, but you don't have a community around you in your new city.
I’ve been there multiple times and you’ll likely go through this more than once as you move through the different stages in your life.
Recently I graduated college, moved to a new city with my partner, and started a new career.
I’m lucky that my family all live 2-4 hours away in the same state so I can visit sometimes, but for the most part, they aren’t around for my comfort.
I had to get comfortable being alone and then, I had to figure out how to connect with the people in my life who are important even if it’s not as easy as meeting for coffee downtown like we used to.
Audit Your Relationships
When you’re younger it’s easy to be friends with people just because you see them often.
You go to school together. You’re on the same sports team. Your parents are friends so your families do weekend activities together.
As you grow into the whole person you’re proud to be, it’s likely you’ll outgrow many of your relationships.
To build strong, meaningful connections with the people in your life, you first need to make sure you’re both on the same page.
Start taking note of how you feel leading up to spending time with a friend and again how you feel after the interaction.
If you feel:
Drained and tired
Criticized
Insecure or competitive— you’re jealous when good things happen to them
Or like you’ve been emotionally dumped on and never asked about yourself
It’s probably a good time to distance.
You don’t need to cut anyone off completely, but when you’re looking to build an uplifting, supportive community, you want to focus on nourishing the relationships that honor you.
When your connection with a friend leaves you feeling:
Inspired
Encouraged
Energized
And ready to take on the world
That’s a quality connection that deserves to be watered.
Make a list of the people in your life that you feel your most authentic around. No Pretending. Just real honest conversations and understanding.
These are your core people. And it doesn’t have to be many.
My list came down to 2 friends, a couple of cousins, my parents, and my brothers.
If you have just one person in your life that you can be your true self with, you are incredibly rich. Don’t let the facade on social media fool you.
Behind the scenes of those big girls trips is a bunch of girls gossiping behind each other’s backs, tons of immature drama, and people upset because they all want to do different things.
You aren’t missing out, and you can build your own community with the people in your life who are genuinely interested in nurturing a healthy mutually supportive friendship.
How to Connect With Your Friends When You Live In Different Cities
FaceTime is your best friend
I know I know. It’s not completely the same.
But we truly are blessed with technology that allows us to connect with people who aren’t close by.
I schedule FaceTime dates with my friend every 2 weeks and every single time when the call ends, I’m so thankful we made the effort.
We usually pour ourselves a glass of wine or cup of tea and chat for 2 hours about our lives. We get curious and share everything— work, relationships, family, and personal growth.
At the end of our call, we hold each other accountable by deciding on one thing we want to work on actively over the next two weeks to be able to update each other during our next call.
On our calls, I’ve set relationship, business, and personal goals like:
Connect with my partner more by leaving more random sweet notes when he leaves for work
Gain confidence with sales calls by practicing with a partner, and be prepared to practice with her on our next call
Get back to daily journaling and text prompts to each other during the week to get inspired
It feels amazing to make the time to genuinely connect and cheer for each other as we make strides towards growing into our best selves.
Put a date on your calendar to catch up with one of your core people— the ones who you feel most like yourself around.
Nothing beats the buzz you get from spending quality time with a true friend.
2. Schedule Family Dinners
Now I can’t take credit for this one but it’s a goodie I must share.
My mom and my aunt decided once all their children were adults that they wanted to commit to seeing each other once a month and if the kids could come great, if not they’ll get together anyway.
They went all out and made these gatherings so fun that we all did what we could to make it there.
We all live 1-4 hours apart so we schedule each dinner months in advance and if you can’t make one month, no big deal it’ll happen again the next month.
These family dinners have become a beautiful ritual that brought me so close to my cousins who I didn’t connect with much before.
This gathering also provided a loving space where I was able to grow a new, adult relationship with my parents and siblings which was so healing for my inner wounded teen.
I credit our monthly family dinners as the reason I have such a great relationship with my family.
I understand that I’m incredibly lucky to have family members who are willing to let go of the child version of me that they knew and are open to building a new relationship honoring who I am now.
For those of you who don’t have related family that you feel free to be your true self around, or they just live way too far away to make this a consistent thing, be the one to plan a monthly dinner party with the people near you that do feel good to spend time with.
Build your new family in your own city.
There are 2 things my mom and aunt did to make this work and you can do it with your crew too.
Invite the people you want to be there with no pressure
You’re doing it all no matter what — even if it ends up a dinner party for one.
People are busy and have plans on the weekend so don’t take it personal. Plan the food, drinks, and dessert, and make all of it even if you’re the only one there to enjoy it.
You’ll have a great time with yourself if that’s what it comes to.
Make it so fun, no one will want to miss it
At first, when everyone’s not super close with each other you might need to pull out a bit more hosting skills than you will once it becomes a regular thing.
My mom and aunt decided that they’d pick a country that they want to visit and research authentic dinners, drinks, and desserts common in that area and try to create it.
We did Italian night with bruschetta, a cheese and meat board, Bolognese, and lasagna. We made cocktails with limoncello and Aperol and served Sangiovese with dinner. For dessert my aunt brought tiramisu.
We played Liar’s Dice and had a darts competition.
After a few themed family dinners, we all started having really honest, amazing conversations and we built super strong connections.
Now we don’t really care if there’s a theme or games. The host just makes whatever they want and everyone does everything they can to come because we all crave the real genuine connection we’ve created through consistent monthly gatherings.
3. Start a Virtual Book Club
After so many great conversations with my cousins who are also in their 20s and my friends on our FaceTime dates, I started to notice a theme.
We’re all dealing with a lot trying to find our way and navigate this adult world to build our desired lives. And there’s a lot of pressure to have it all figured out right away.
I thought about what I could do to bring us all together and have more of these deep conversations to share our experiences with people who might relate.
I thought about it for weeks until one day while out on a walk — my best idea time — I had the idea to start a book club over FaceTime.
I’d have to ask everyone I know who I enjoy spending time with if they’d be interested, choose a book we’d all be into, and organize the group meetings and discussion questions.
Now planning and leading groups has never been my strong suit so even though I thought it’d be a good thing, I slowly began talking myself out of it.
No that’d be weird. No one would want to do that. If they go along with it, it’s because they don’t want to say no then they’d secretly hate it and laugh at you.
I had to shut down the inner critic and choose to put myself out there and risk being turned down.
When you’re looking to build connections, you have to be willing to get uncomfortable and be the one the plan the things you want to do.
I was seeking deeper connections with women around my age and this seemed like a positive way to get what I want. If the people you reach out to laugh or don’t want to do it, then those aren’t your people, at least not for that specific activity.
It did scare me when everyone took a few days to get back to me on if they wanted to do it, but eventually, I took initiative, chose a book, made a group chat, and asked everyone who’s in to buy the book within the week.
If it’s your thing, you need to take control and make the decisions because if you don’t it probably won't happen.
Once we got our books I sent a text telling everyone how much to read before our first meeting and to just make a note of anything that resonates with them.
No crazy elaborate book club questions, just what does this bring up for you?
We spent hours on the phone discussing personal experiences and sharing stories — it was exactly what I was hoping for. Raw, human connection with a beautiful group of young women.
How to Make New Friendships
Distancing from friends who don’t feel good, allows space in your life for new connections.
If making new friends is a priority, this step is going to require you to push yourself outside your comfort zone.
It’s not my favorite thing — trust me, but it helped a lot to look at it like an experiment. Getting out of your comfort zone is good for your overall well-being and if that’s all that comes from your efforts, that’s still a win.
If you have a ton of nerves at just the thought of reaching out to someone new, I feel you and I recommend a bit of prep work.
One of the most disappointing things when putting yourself out there is when you muster up the courage to go for it all for you to fumble over your words, turn red in the face, overshare, shake with anxiety, and be awkward.
We’ve all been there so if it happens, you are not alone.
Here are a few tips that will help you strengthen your communication skills so even nerves won’t derail your bids for connection.
Social Connection Preparation Strategy:
Listen to Mell Robbins' episode FBI Trained Expert Explains How to Read Body Language
This conversation helps you understand how to feel more powerful and confident in conversations by becoming aware of how you and others show up.
Also, you’ll get tips on how to control your breathing while you speak so you sound less nervous.
2. Read, Never Split The Difference: Negotiating as if your Life depended on it by Chris Voss
The tactics in this book give you a leg up in conversations so you don’t mindlessly chatter away.
You’ll learn how listening and mirroring back what the other person says builds trust and connection.
3. Practice bilateral stimulation to calm your nervous system
You can do this by tapping your feet, left then right, left then right…
Or tap your hands on your thighs, left, right, left, right…
Alternating between your left and right sides causes a relaxation effect often used in therapy to desensitize traumatic memories. But it works anytime you’re under stress to calm the body.
Practice tapping in a way that feels natural for you to do in conversation without being distracting.
There are a bunch of other books and podcasts to consume but don’t let all these resources stop you from getting out there. You can keep learning as you take action.
Time to put yourself out there with these 3 tips to build new connections:
Hang out at a local coffee shop
Okay maybe listen to this podcast too because it explains exactly how to navigate coffee shops for new friends— Where Did All My Friends Go?
Choose a local coffee shop that has a vibe you like and is a place where people go to chill and hang out. This is a great way to people-watch and figure out who comes in often that you’re interested in getting to know and eventually, practice your conversation skills you learned from the book.
Try not to be on your phone because that sends a signal to everyone that you’re not interested in being interrupted. A book, sketch pad, or journal is great while you sip your drink and get comfortable in your new hangout spot.
2. Use social media to your advantage
Search up businesses or locations near your city on Instagram and find people who’ve tagged that location.
Check to make sure they live in your area by seeing if they frequently post at local spots. If they seem like someone you might get along with send them a DM.
Just be casual and fun, no pressure. Tell them that you just moved here and were interested in checking out the place they tagged. Ask for their advice on what to get or do there depending on what type of place it is.
If they seem receptive to chatting with you, throw it out there and say,
“I don’t know anyone here and I plan to check that place out next week. Do you want to meet me there?” Tell them they can bring a friend if they want.
I know it seems scary to put yourself out there but most people are nice and if they aren’t thats not someone you want to be friends with anyway.
3. Find an activity in your area and become a regular
I personally love wine tasting. In my new town, there are a bunch of wineries. I showed up to one, sat at the bar, and did a tasting.
I shared with the woman who worked there that I was new to town and asked a bunch of questions about the wineries in the area and what her experience was.
I ended up meeting the owners when they came out and they admired how interested I was as a young person in the wine industry. I joined the membership and visited a few times always being friendly and curious about everyone I met.
Eventually, the owner invited me to help them bottle their new wine and I was able to learn something new and interesting to me while hanging out with a new group of people who were all regulars at the winery.
If wine isn’t your thing, maybe it’s pottery, dance, kickboxing, painting, whatever.
Try something new and sign up for a class or make a reservation for one.
Either you’ll have a beautiful day with yourself or you’ll meet some incredible people. Once you step out of that lonely comfort zone, it’s a win-win from there.
Consistency Is Key
Growing your relationship with yourself throughout this process is so important because it’s tough to put yourself out there.
It might sound silly, but try to remind yourself every day that you’re there for yourself no matter what. Look in the mirror and say,
“(Your name), I see you, I hear you, I’ll take care of you, and I love you.”
Always coming back to yourself and giving yourself that love and care will help you approach your journey to build community with a more attractive energy.
It’s normal for it to take time. Commit to stepping out of your comfort zone at least twice a week, once online and once in person.
If you stay consistent and stay loving towards yourself, you’re people will find their way to you exactly when they’re meant to.
When you look back to this time a few months or a year from now as you’re surrounded by the most loving, supportive, fun group of friends you can imagine, you’ll be so thankful for the steps you took to get you here.
I’m here for you🤍 Send me a message on Instagram if you read this and have thoughts or experiences that relate: @jaclyn_kirby
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